I got the opportunity to see Spiderman 2 tonight, (movies at the student union, 6 months late but free) and I must say that it was the most depressing movie that I have ever seen in all my 22 years on this planet.

This is just a warning, from here on in, I will probably get a bit...ok well really vulgar. If bad language offends you, here's a link to Hello Kitty Figurines on ebay.

This movie was so depressing, I wanted to jump up and start throwning my shit in handfuls at the screen. Why did it do this to you, you may ask? Well, let me go through it, character by character, and tell you exactly why.

First, Spiderman. The web-slinging superhero himself. His life was a rich, full, fucking waster. His grades were bad, he wasn't getting any sleep, he was fired from his job, his spiderman powers were fading in and out, and to top it all off, the girl he loved was fucking a spaceman. When he thinks it can't get any worse, what happens? Some crazy scientist wants to rape him with his biomechanical tentacles, and his best friend wants him dead. The only people who even remotely liked him were his aunt and the lanky, inbred, hillbilly, Romanian, Super's daughter from across the hall. All this made me want Spiderman to run down to the Target, buy their most powerful shotgun, and sleep with it in his mouth.

Now, Doc Ock, this biomechanical, tentacled douche bag has a terrible, terrible life. His first fatal flaw was that he was overconfident. Don't listen to anyone else who is even remotely sensible, Doc. You're clearly the genius, you know everything, and that's why your miscalculations killed your wife that you loved so much and turned you into some sort of mechanical monster with AI taking over your brain. You're sooooooo overconfident that you can't rest with the fact that your work failed, and you want to kill every fucking body. Why don't you just jump out of the screen and take a steaming, hot, shit in my gaping mouth? How do we try to make things better? Oh, it's Peter, I'm going to fight this AI and save everybody. NO, IT DOES NOT MAKE THINGS BETTER, YOU STUPID DOUCHE BECAUSE WHILE IT WAS AGAINST YOUR WISHES, YOU CLEARLY DIE A MONSTER AND IT DOESN'T MAKE UP FOR ALL THE SHIT YOU'VE ALREADY DONE. Fuck you Doc Ock, fuck you in your stupid fucking ass.

Aunt May? Her house is being repossessed, and she is still in a deep state of depression over the death of her husband.

Harry? He loses a shitload of money, he's ruined as a businessman, he's obsessed, totally taken over with killing spiderman, and to top it all off, he's being haunted by his father. The next sequel will be equally depressing, I bet.

Mary Jane? She's confused about who she loves and what she wants from life. She's fucking a spaceman, but she still loves Peter. However, she can't stand Peter because he cannot commit to her. Just like a woman.

Jonah Jameson? The spaceman? The fucking spaceman? The one who's woman strings him along and leaves him at the altar? No, his life doesn't suck at all...oh wai...

You see? It was a really, horrid, depressing movie. The ending does not fix things. It does not make me happy or optimistic about the future. It was funny because it made me think about going to watch Schindler's List. At least then I know that the allies are coming, eventually. Which is incredibly sad. You do not do this to me, movie people, you just don't do it. To top it all off, 3 is going to be even worse, you just wait.

*sigh*